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Excerpt From Lose the Baggage, Lose the Weight: A Piece of Me: You Can’t Bury the Past
“PTSD isn’t something you wish for, or something you’re aware of when it happens. It creeps up on you and can eat you up if you don’t get help.” ~ LPS
A piece of me: You can’t bury the past
Feelings and emotions that we think are long forgotten can come back at any time. This happened to me after I was cornered in my classroom by a mentally disturbed former student. After this incident, I found myself haunted by my past. My emotions were out of control. I felt alone, anxious, ashamed, guilty, hopeless, overwhelmed, ugly and unworthy. When I felt threatened, I got palpitations. I had dreams of being chased or attacked, with flashbacks of past abusers.
I cleaned obsessively, cleaning my nearest and my dresser drawers. I got rid of everything that reminded me of the teaching I had loved. I stopped smiling. I missed the joy. I was isolated from friends and activities that I normally enjoyed.
I felt isolated from loved ones. It was difficult to concentrate, sleep and eat. I was a mess. Sometimes I walked for hours. I felt numb. I would shake uncontrollably. I would only go outside if someone was with me. I felt cold. I lost weight without trying. I didn’t recognize myself. I felt out of control.
My skin turned gray, my legs often gave out, and I fell to my snow-colored carpet. As I fell near the bed, I grabbed the covers tightly and pulled myself up. The paralysis would only last a minute. Then I went back to my daily routine. Unfortunately, part of that routine included lying in the fetal position on my bed with the covers over my head to muffle my cries. My clothes hung like drapery. I found my reflection repulsive and the taste like a dirty ashtray made it difficult for me to eat. Every loud sound startled me. My reactions were terrifying. I would be hibernating in my bedroom with one sliver of light. I was afraid. I didn’t know what was going on. I cried until the tears stopped. I would see things. I was convinced that crows were haunting me. Evil surrounded me. I felt it. I was scared and I needed help. I prayed and God put me in the hands of caring doctors.
“You’re not crazy,” they assured me. “You have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). You have to open the box so you can move on.”
I tried to hold it, but it didn’t help. So I surrendered everything to God and the memories rushed out like a roaring spring river. After I regained my senses, I realized that I had forgotten that God was always with me. I began to realize that my emotions were normal responses to extreme stress. My problems were because of what happened to me, not because of anything I had done.
I learned from experience that many weight problems and eating disorders are the result of situations or circumstances beyond our control. Our job is to find solutions to our problems and not run away from them. Denial is dangerous! Life is full of surprises. It doesn’t always go as planned. Bad things happen. Parents divorce. Good, hard-working employees lose their jobs. Life requires us to dig deep and remember our goals and dreams. That’s where the original PIES (Physical, Intellectual, Emotional and Spiritual) philosophy formula can help. (A formula I created to survive when I was young.)
The original PIES formula
For most of my life I followed this formula. But for a while I let my emotions take over. It allowed others to control me and have power. It also affected how I saw and felt myself. It wreaked havoc on my self-image and self-esteem, which I would not have allowed before the workplace harassment.
Determined to get my life back, I had a good old fashioned come to Jesus talk followed by a prayer to God and a prayer to the universe. It reminded me to manage pain, not stuff it into a box. This lightbulb moment motivated me to find the motivation to share what I was learning about self-image, self-esteem, nutrition, fitness, eating disorders, and life.
Emotions can be controlled. So are your eating habits. It won’t be easy. However, it can be done. It has to be done. Before entering the world of eating disorders, try to determine if you are using food to cope or as fuel.
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