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External Validation Vs Self Validation – Master Pickup Artists Are Always Self-Validating
When I start teaching my Pickup Artist students, I divide them into two categories. Self-affirmation vs. external validation. Those who are assertive have a very short course in learning the lessons of social art and becoming more attractive. Those who have a hard time are externally validating, i.e. looking to please other people and prove it.
External validation is a dangerous compass. This causes the budding social artist to place their self-worth and value in the hands of other people. If so, he gives other people a right that is rightfully his, and that is one of the most powerful things he can give others.
If you’re looking for external validation, the only time you feel you’re worth or valuable is when a woman chooses to be with you or when people tell you they like you. The danger of this is that you will never be completely satisfied… no one can give another person 100% assurance. No one can like EVERYTHING about you. Despite having highly valued/positive women in their lives, they only hear or focus on the things that are negative about them. Despite disliking very few things about the person, the person listens to and focuses on those very things.
For example, I had a student go out for a walk one evening and write a field report. In this field report, he mentioned opening 5 kits, getting 3 phone numbers, a kiss, and blowing off a woman’s hand. Guess what 3/4 of his field report was about? How he was a failure and couldn’t get over being beaten up. Instead of focusing on the overall success of his night and how he got 3 numbers and a kiss (which usually only 1% of men can do), he felt like a failure and a terrible person who didn’t like women. due to this one failed opening. He was so focused on external validation that he only focused on his own failures. He looked for 100% validity in his openings and anything to the contrary was a failure. Not just one bad discovery failed…anything less than 100% success was considered a failure. A person with this compass can become depressed very quickly and are usually the guys who finish training in 6 months or less.
Many guys who start out in pickup trucks have this compass of validation-seeking behavior. This is one of the reasons why they have so much trouble with women. They seek that validation and sometimes ask or give too much of themselves to people to get that validation. They buy drinks. They offer cars and money to women they don’t even know. They say to exotic dancers, “I’m taking you away from all this. You’ll never have to strip again.” They live and breathe every word the women they try to talk to and absorb every NEGATIVE statement as if it were the written word of God. That’s too much value to give to a woman you don’t even know yet (and a woman you haven’t even had sex with yet!)
I can tell they’re looking for validation when I ask them why they want to learn pickup. “Sex with 100 women.” I ask why they need 100 exactly. They say, “to prove that I’m a master pickup artist.” Then I ask deeper questions. “What does being a Master Pickup Artist mean to you?” They answer many times, “It would prove that I can have any woman I want and that women really like me.”
Having 100 women you’ve had sex with means absolutely nothing. It just means what it appears to do. You have had sex with 100 women. Big deal. Assertiveness and never having sex actually go a long way toward being a master pick-up artist and alpha male than any number. A man who doesn’t react and doesn’t try to get validation from others is much more attractive than a man whose self-worth depends on an exact number or a large number of women. A guy who has one woman to add to his self-esteem is much more stable than a fragile guy who gets anxious and nervous or feels like a failure if he doesn’t get a phone number, a kiss, or a date in one night.
Self-affirmation is the ability to use yourself as a compass for your success. “I opened 5 sets, got 3 numbers and 1 kiss!” versus “I opened five sets and failed when one didn’t open” shows you the huge difference it makes for a man when he controls himself or externally.
I recently read a quote from Carlos Xuma on Facebook. “The man who gets along best with women is the man who gets along just fine without them.” In short, assertive men have more success with women in the purest sense. Those who “need” them to confirm try to start.
I had a wingman who is technically one of the BEST PUAs. 177 f is close to his claim to fame and the best field reports ever on The Attraction Forums. However, he had never gotten over his confirmation-seeking behavior. So when he thought he had found “The One” after going through 177 women, he realized too late that he had chosen the woman who judged him best, not the woman who was best for him. When they moved in together, he refused to help around the house, earn money, or pursue a career, and his affirmation was gone. He used his self-provided validation as a means to improve financial health rather than to truly validate him. She learned how much work went into a relationship to stay afloat financially, instead of getting into a mutually beneficial relationship where both people were so confident that being together increased it exponentially.
He ended up breaking up with his girlfriend and was pissed off at the game. He gave it up. He was fed up. After 177 attempts, he still couldn’t find a suitable wife. But his foundation for finding valuable people in his life was still tainted by his need for validation.
People who seek external validation are also easily hurt. As a wingman, you are instructed to be brutally honest with your wing to help his game. Tell him his breath smells, if he has body odor, if he looks weak and needy to help his game and success. These guys are sometimes the hardest to catch because they get so fired up about real-time constructive criticism and get upset so quickly. Instead of adjusting, they decide again how good a wingman and friend you really are.
Leaving your self-worth up to other people means putting their opinion above your own on a topic that is really your own…your life. When men put beautiful women on a pedestal, they let too much of their personal worth depend on people who haven’t even proven their worth. They value the opinions of these people even more than the opinions of their own family members. Would you give the value of your life to another person before your mother’s opinion of your life? Those who seek external validation do so every day.
Some people become so dependent on these opinions that they become narcissistic. Of course, narcissists are supposed to be those people who are so inwardly focused that they fall in love with themselves. But narcissists are really so externally validated that they lie to keep their self-esteem inflated and only keep people around them who validate their lies. This extreme form of external validation is so distorted that it distorts their personal opinion of themselves and they find it difficult to find the truth within themselves. People who encounter narcissists constantly question their loyalty, and the narcissist twists the truth and actual events so that anyone who doesn’t outwardly confirm them is wrong or an idiot or even lying when telling the truth. (This is why being in a relationship with a narcissist is so doomed from the start, and why the divorce rate for people with this personality disorder is estimated to be high).
So with my social arts students, I use NLP and transformation to illustrate this validation-seeking frame that many men have when they start the game, and teach them how to reverse it right away. Without this framework, they can become technically good, but ALWAYS WITH THE WRONG WOMEN and never settle for a beautiful woman who is the right one. If you have the opportunity to meet many women, you should be able to find several that match the qualities you desire. But if you validate yourself externally, all they have to do is say the right things within a few weeks and you’ll be fooled into thinking you’ve found “the one” you want to be in a long-term relationship with.
Do you want to be a PUA with hundreds of women you’ve slept with who are all the same women and will never be right for you, or do you want to be a PUA who ONLY dates and looks for positive women with the most important qualities you seek and you find them continuously? If you want the former, a coach like me that will take you to the top of women’s is not for you. It would be better if you learn to play for the same nights every night.
For more information on eliminating validation-seeking behavior, go to my website listed below in my signature.
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