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## Care Giving, Dementia, Spousal Role

“That’s the first I’ve heard of it,” was his anguished reply. “You never told me.” He blamed.

I am learning to make plans for my wife and myself. If I don’t convey them to him repeatedly or slowly enough for him to understand, when it’s time to apply them, he can become confused and vulnerable. Not knowing what to do, she rejects me. “This is the first I’ve heard of it.”

We have developed a monthly calendar for recurring events and use “sticky notes” to add unscheduled events. This routine usually works. When I’m away from home and I know he might forget, a pleasant phone call alerts me when he needs a reminder or when he’s getting ready for lunch, a meeting, or an errand. Just a quick “Hi, how are you?” usually does the trick.

Over the years, due to my wife’s nursing career, I have often assumed the primary role in making decisions about home and family life. . I’m not always going to be in control because it has negative consequences, but the growing need to take on the role of caregiver is confronting that need. My patience is often stretched, leaving me angry, lonely, exhausted or overwhelmed.

In our marriage, my husband and I have always worked together, using our individual strengths and weaknesses to complement each other to get things done. I have always done the bill paying, planning, problem solving, repair and maintenance arrangements, inside and out. Usually we have had outside help cleaning etc. We taught our four boys to share routine responsibilities. Now in her retirement years, my wife had taken on many of these household responsibilities.

Lately it’s become more practical for me to plan dinner to keep us on some sort of reasonable schedule. My wife still enjoys shopping, but often more than shopping, buying more of what’s already on our shelves and crossing priority items off her list.

Because a sense of independence is extremely important to all of us, I try to be very careful about taking on new roles and influencing new limitations as I move forward on my journey. In many ways, our roles have changed her from mother and sister to child and patient, and from supporting me as husband to the new role of caregiver.

On the plus side, my wife is always an encourager. He still manages to build up my ego and reassures me of his love on a regular basis. For that I am forever grateful.

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