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- You’re Not Listening to Me! – 10 Behaviors That Tell People You’re Not Listening, Even If You Are
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## You’re Not Listening to Me! – 10 Behaviors That Tell People You’re Not Listening, Even If You Are

A person’s inability to communicate is a result of not listening to another person effectively, skillfully, and understandingly. (Carl Rogers, American psychologist)

Effective listening requires skill and understanding. But often, even while listening, we can do things that make the speaker feel that we are not.

The result, of course, is that we are not skilled at communicating with the person in a way that they see us as listening.

In a moment, we’ll look at 10 behaviors that listeners often interpret as ignoring us.

But first, I’d like you to do this **stop reading and grab a pen and paper**.

Now imagine the following situation. You speak. This can happen in a more formal situation where you do most or all of the talking, such as a speech or presentation. Or it can be informal, like standing around shooting the breeze with a group of friends, or sitting down and having a one-on-one discussion.

Regardless of the situation, what are the things that distract the people who are supposed to be listening to you when you’re speaking. Things that you are consciously aware of that annoy you. You probably won’t say anything about them, but they are clearly annoying.

Be precise. Write down what people do or say that sends you the message, “I’m not really listening to you.”

Once you’ve finished your list, go through it again and circle the two most annoying ones.

Now that you have your list, let’s compare your answers to the results of a survey I conducted with more than 300 middle managers.

The big question to ask yourself when reviewing your results is, “Do I ever do these things when I’m a listener? Because if you do, now you know the message you’re sending.”

The reason I asked you to circle the two main irritants is because my survey listed a total of 30 behaviors. Of these, 28 had approximately the same response frequency.

However, two were significantly higher than 28, and number 1 was listed twice as often as number 2.

- Interrupting
- Lack of eye contact
- Any answer
- Holding side conversations (in an audience situation)
- Ignore the speaker to answer the phone
- Seems impatient
- Finishing the speaker’s sentences or answering a question before the speaker has finished asking.
- Suddenly changed the subject
- Multitasking: Messaging; reading letters, newspapers, reports, etc.
- Nervous mannerisms: cracking knuckles, twisting hair, tapping fingers, etc.

Eliminate these 10 and you’ll have a lot of happy listeners.

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